Chapter One
"This is me knowing that the rest of my life is upon me and there is nothing i can do to prolong it." Those words echoed through my head as I walked around my quiet house at 2 in the morning. "This is my knowing that the rest of my life is upon me and there is nothing I can do to prolong it." God, there it was again, Can't anybody make it stop? How could the rest of my life be right here? It can't be possibly be ringing my doorbell and asking me to come out and play. I'm only 21.
I'm only 21. Then why is it that I feel like I'm 41. Responsibility rears its ugly head. I'm only 21. Twenty-one. Vingt et un. Zwangzig eins. Barely out of my teens, not quite grown up. I feel like I'm in limbo. However, right behind me, the rest of my life is catching up.
These thoughts have been running through my head lately. The anxiety that I feel can't be normal for someone my age. Normal or not, it's my reality. At this point, I just need to get some sleep. Maybe my dreams won't torture me too much tonight.
"Kali, get up! It's 1:30." Damnit, overslept again. Ever notice that whenever you have no place to be, you plan more to do than you could finish in a day? Then you oversleep, and the day is shot anyway. I feel like that everyday. So now, I groan because I realize the time, and tumble out of bed, literally, which causes my mother to think I've finally did it. I've keeled over and died.
"Kali, are you alright?" She says as she's opening the door, which hits me right in the side.
"Well, I was before the Attack of the Door: 2004." I tell her clutching my newly sore side. I roll over and pry myself off of the floor. "Is there any reason why you woke me up? I wasn't hurting anybody by being dead to the world in my bed."
"Well, I thought that you might want to enjoy the day. It's gorgeous out. The end of summer is near, you start school soon. I thought maybe you'd want one weekend day where you could sit outside and get some sun." I looked at my arms. I was in no way pale, but my usually bronzen skin was turning an awful orangey color from lack of sunlight. It was a very unflattering color. However, the warmth and the comfort of my bed called to me. I couldn't help it. When asleep, that was the only time I was plagued with the nagging worry that my life was coming for me. That I couldn't escape growing up and moving on. I had to go back to sleep, just for a little while longer to make this feeling go away.
"As tempting as that sounds, I think that I might go back to sleep for a little while. I'm really exhausted. I was up doing things until late last night, so I think a little while longer won't hurt me too much. I promise, I'll sit outside for a bit today. The summer is almost over, I should get to enjoy a day of it." I said, half smiling. I knew that I was lying, but to just hear me say it somehow made my mother look at me with a tinge of skepticism in her eye. She knew me too well, and I knew it was because I was playing the same games with her for 21 years. I couldn't hide my self-doubt and insincereness so soon after being woken up. I guess that I should go out and enjoy the day. Whatever.
Finally I pry myself off of the floor and plop down onto my bed. I couldn't help it. It looked so warm. My mother's disapproving eye had also the left the room, so I was free to lay there like a lump for at least 15 more minutes. I had to be careful to not fall asleep though. Because then we could be having the same conversation tomorrow, that we had to today, except I wouldn't have left my room for over 24 hours, and my mother, well, she'd be still shooting me that disapproving eye I could feel even through the door.
Time to get up and face the world. I hated thinking about that because the sooner I face the world. The sooner I have to go out there and contribute to it. And I just wasn't ready yet. What could I possibly give to the world. I'm 21. I still live at home. I'm unfit to keep a relationship together. I'm still in college. And frankly, I just did not want to contribute. I don't know, each day is a new adventure, and well this one was mine. Kali Rendell, this is your life.
I'm only 21. Then why is it that I feel like I'm 41. Responsibility rears its ugly head. I'm only 21. Twenty-one. Vingt et un. Zwangzig eins. Barely out of my teens, not quite grown up. I feel like I'm in limbo. However, right behind me, the rest of my life is catching up.
These thoughts have been running through my head lately. The anxiety that I feel can't be normal for someone my age. Normal or not, it's my reality. At this point, I just need to get some sleep. Maybe my dreams won't torture me too much tonight.
"Kali, get up! It's 1:30." Damnit, overslept again. Ever notice that whenever you have no place to be, you plan more to do than you could finish in a day? Then you oversleep, and the day is shot anyway. I feel like that everyday. So now, I groan because I realize the time, and tumble out of bed, literally, which causes my mother to think I've finally did it. I've keeled over and died.
"Kali, are you alright?" She says as she's opening the door, which hits me right in the side.
"Well, I was before the Attack of the Door: 2004." I tell her clutching my newly sore side. I roll over and pry myself off of the floor. "Is there any reason why you woke me up? I wasn't hurting anybody by being dead to the world in my bed."
"Well, I thought that you might want to enjoy the day. It's gorgeous out. The end of summer is near, you start school soon. I thought maybe you'd want one weekend day where you could sit outside and get some sun." I looked at my arms. I was in no way pale, but my usually bronzen skin was turning an awful orangey color from lack of sunlight. It was a very unflattering color. However, the warmth and the comfort of my bed called to me. I couldn't help it. When asleep, that was the only time I was plagued with the nagging worry that my life was coming for me. That I couldn't escape growing up and moving on. I had to go back to sleep, just for a little while longer to make this feeling go away.
"As tempting as that sounds, I think that I might go back to sleep for a little while. I'm really exhausted. I was up doing things until late last night, so I think a little while longer won't hurt me too much. I promise, I'll sit outside for a bit today. The summer is almost over, I should get to enjoy a day of it." I said, half smiling. I knew that I was lying, but to just hear me say it somehow made my mother look at me with a tinge of skepticism in her eye. She knew me too well, and I knew it was because I was playing the same games with her for 21 years. I couldn't hide my self-doubt and insincereness so soon after being woken up. I guess that I should go out and enjoy the day. Whatever.
Finally I pry myself off of the floor and plop down onto my bed. I couldn't help it. It looked so warm. My mother's disapproving eye had also the left the room, so I was free to lay there like a lump for at least 15 more minutes. I had to be careful to not fall asleep though. Because then we could be having the same conversation tomorrow, that we had to today, except I wouldn't have left my room for over 24 hours, and my mother, well, she'd be still shooting me that disapproving eye I could feel even through the door.
Time to get up and face the world. I hated thinking about that because the sooner I face the world. The sooner I have to go out there and contribute to it. And I just wasn't ready yet. What could I possibly give to the world. I'm 21. I still live at home. I'm unfit to keep a relationship together. I'm still in college. And frankly, I just did not want to contribute. I don't know, each day is a new adventure, and well this one was mine. Kali Rendell, this is your life.
posted by Allison @ 9:45 AM
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